Pirate Radio

24 04 2010

PSHoffman is good as usual, I just can’t be bothered to write his full name out. These actors and their goddamn 3 part stage names, if you don’t use your fake middle name you will never win an award for your acting. How about Joseph Manwell Flatulence someone should start calling themselves that to get respect. . . . .This was a solid flick. Good characters, some funny moments, suspense and conflict. Not everything made sense, but it was a light movie so who cares? Basically they operate a pirate rock radio station in the North Sea in the 60′s because the BBC won’t play pop. My only beef, but man its a big one, is the text at the end- don’t worry I’m not giving anything away. They claimed that the rebels of pirate radio would eventually take over because, hold your hat, rock stations are common place today. . . . .They’re kidding right? Corporate rock stations are how pirate rebels won out in the end? Metallica and their ilk are the stuffy dudes in suits back on land trying to get pirate radio shut down. I almost threw my computer during the montage of corporate rock albums at the end that was supposedly honouring the victors of the pirate rock revolution. Make the obvious Napster comparison instead, that would make sense, that’s the prevailing rebellion. Ah but who owns the movie production house? . . . .Post release they also changed the film’s name to “The Boat That Rocked”. Obviously some big wig swooped in from above and demanded that content piracy isn’t glorified. . . .Careful, your wallets are showing.

Rating: B+

and no Beatles?





Green Zone

19 04 2010

Matt Affleck tromps around Baghdad as an army Sargent just following the invasion of Iraq (Bush II). Before each scene they karate chopped his neck to gruff up his voice disguising his pansiness somewhat. . . . New war movies suck, they’re like video games. Designed to get young people to sign up for the action, super action. Kids, you can’t be an individual in the army, there is no rogue soldier who can make a difference and discover the truth. This flick was about the missing WMD’s. There was a solid 1-2 mins of actual criticism of the American Iraq ‘mission’, if you made it that far. Oh but Greg Kinnear was in this, I was a fan of him long before you knew who he was.

It was the greatest moment in TV history as far as I’m concerned- and I watched it live! It happened on ‘Later With Bob Costas’- a late night interview show airing after either Leno or Letterman. Costas announces that his guest tonight will be Greg Kinnear, then lists his accomplishments to date including a couple episodes of Life Goes On. . . .Kinnear emerges and is interviewed by Costas for a few minutes. Frustrated by his crappy guest, Costas rises from his desk and says “that’s it I’m done, I swore I would only do this show so long as it remained interesting”. Storming out, Greg Kinnear looks at the camera and moves into the interviewer’s chair. This was the unannounced launch of the brand new show: ‘Later With Greg Kinnear’. The show never did loose that thrown together feel. . . .Wait, what did this all have to do with Green Zone again?

Rating: C+





Sherlock Holmes (2009)

30 03 2010

Robert Downey Jr. stars as Johnny Depp in Sherlock Holmes. Oh man, Sherlock and Doc Watson are like street brawlers or something now. Lets dumb it down and add some zazz! (testosterone). Seriously, Downey’s first scene as Holmes is bare chested in a ring breaking some guy’s ribs while gamblers cheer him on waving cash. I never read the books, did that type of thing actually happen? I thought these fellas were dignified? Wait, I looked it up, apparently Holmes was a ruffian in his early days. Ok fine, always an excuse. . . .Not based on an original story though, somehow I’m not surprised. This is yet another Hollywood movie where the motivation of the main characters makes absolutely no sense, but you won’t find out til the end- like 2012 and Taking Pelham ABC. Call it a ‘mystery’ because the unknown part is something too stupid for anyone to guess. Its how unimaginative writers get by.


Rating B-
Spoiler Alert!!! More follows. . . . Read the rest of this entry »





Lost

21 03 2010

Let’s be honest, tv dramas are stupid, I mean what is the point really? In my entire life, there have been only 2 i bothered to watch: Lost and Battlestar Galactica. Go figure, they had to be sci-fi. To be fair, i suppose i also watched Quantum Leap, but no one actually believed that Bakula was going to escape. . . .With Lost, the makers have promised resolution, this season- I’ll believe it when i see it. Lost has been a real 2 way street with its audience, the story progresses by viewer response. Look at Ben, first he was super powerful and evil, people hated him, so now he’s a big pussy. Or the fat guy, people liked him, so they keep upping his importance. Does anyone else wonder how he keeps getting fatter on a desert island? Lost followed the basic epic story structure. The heroes fight an enemy, that enemy gets assimilated and becomes an ally in the fight against the NEW enemy. Its an easy way to keep the story going. First they fought the others, then the other others, tail section, dharma, boat people, who the fuck knows who they’re fighting now. I’m guessing aliens, its the Steven King cop-out. Wind up such a weird ass story it could only be resolved through the alien explanation. . . .If you ask me, we’ve all been suckered, when we get to the end of this season they will announce: “All secrets to be revealed in the upcoming ‘Lost, The Movie’.

Jim’s Rating A-





Imaginarium of Dr. Onassis

6 03 2010

Heath Ledger od’d while working on this, so conveniently, this is now the second movie they get to call his last. Remember when they delayed the premier of Batman to ‘grieve’. Let people hold candle light vigils, then open the theatre doors. . . . . I’m gonna get blamed for dropping the bombs on Katrina. . . .Ok so the movie sucked. It just didn’t make any sense. Although it did have Christopher Plummer and Tom Waits which redeems it slightly. . .Basically, they scrambled to very artificially turn a couple short scenes with Ledger into a full length flick. The solution? The main character walks into magic land and his face keeps changing- sometimes he’s Colin Farell, sometimes he’s Jude Law. And just to make it more confusing, they film 2 mins worth of Johnny Depp who is somehow also the same guy and plaster him all over the marketing. Imdb page shows Ledger as the main character and Depp as top bill- completely not true! . . .This is a Colin Farell movie. . . .Shit! Who knows? Maybe all the pointless switching and weirdness were integral to some sort of ‘story’ i completely missed. I could be wrong, I really couldn’t tell what the fuck was going on, it was stupid.


Just a theory, suppose the movie’s hanging scene was actually him going in for a kiss and they superimposed the noose so we’d all marvel at the precognition and irony.

Rating: C-





Where the Wild Things Are

24 02 2010

Are more people dropping acid at the theatres then are letting on? I remember hearing how great this movie was, i just don’t get it. They took a story written by a little kid for little kids and just gruesomely stretched it into a movie. Can you imagine how ridiculous that is? I don’t want to watch Jack and Jill literally just walk up a hill for half a movie, that would be stupid. . . .I don’t know, maybe they were hoping for some sort of technological credit??? The CG was ok but nothing spectacular. Anyways, sorry but people aren’t going to be wowed by graphics anymore, its pretty much expected from a big budget flick that it better look good. . . .But who fucking cares if there’s no story, really? I didn’t even know what genre to call this cause it really just did nothing at all. Funny thing is, I can’t even see this holding a child’s attention, its too friggin’ slow. Flip the page something new happens, how can you hold anyone’s attention when it takes 15 damn minutes to flip each page!

The plot from a ten page kid’s book can’t be the plot for a movie, don’t watch this.

Rating D-
(Technically i didn’t turn this off, so it can’t be an F, but i did leave for about 45mins in the middle where absolutely nothing happened.)





Twilight: New Moon

6 02 2010

Honestly, i just don’t understand what all the hub-bub is about. I can’t understand why there are fanatical fans of this series, nor can i understand why there are fervent detractors. OOOooo, a movie about vampires, what a great new concept. People didn’t freak out when Interview With a Vampire or Transylvania 6-5000 came out and they were both better flicks.

Apparently in the Twilight series there is a romantic subcontext i haven’t yet discovered. Usually i tend to sleep through the mushier parts. This second Twilight release was a little more aggressive, gory, racy. As is standard with movie series, the second movie is generally the crappiest, but with the most filthiness. This time around the Vampires aren’t just fighting their own temptations and other Vampires, they’re fighting Werewolves, but in Twilight they go by the name “Dark Wooflers“. Of course furthering this, the third film features an even greater enemy who threatens to take out both Vamp and Were. Vanquish foes, join forces, invent new conflict. The third is always the greatest enemy of all- man (remember when they tried to kill the X-men in that 3rd film?). . . . This flick even has baby Vampires, its ridiculous! . . .All of this can be verified when i actually see these movies. . . . .I know a fair bit about this type of thing.

Rating: B-





Underworld 3: Rise of the Lysol

11 01 2010

In fact, I watched the whole trilogy, marathon style. Vampires fighting werewolves, and repeat. As per usual with trilogies, the first one was the best. The second had the most boobs and gore- trying to be a shocking version of #1. The third one gets a little preachy and over dramatic as it wraps up the epic. . . . .Now if there is one thing that bothers me, its stuff that doesn’t make sense. Somehow most of the later plot in the trilogy revolves around the hybridization of wolves and vamps- done through drinking the other’s blood. However there are countless scenes of battles where they eat each other and no one seems to go through any strange transformations. Sorry, i realize thats probably not interesting to you. . . . .They woke yet another new head monster in #3. Kate Baconslash was replaced with a new chick who wasn’t the same character but looked identical which was really confusing. One thing i will say about this series which is very odd. I had seen the first two movies going into the third but couldn’t remember them. Even while re-watching what i’d already seen i had no clue where it was going. Now I watched #3 only 2 days ago and can relate to you very little about it. I have a fairly good memory for movies. Underworld movies seem to make absolutely no impression on my memory whatsoever, probably a good thing.

Rating C+





Family Guy “Something” Movie

2 01 2010

Was that the title? I don’t even give a shit. Here’s the hierarchy of Jokes for the Family Guy writers:
#1 Cutaway: Characters play roles in some pop-culture reference. No connection to plot, is usually ripped word for word from a movie/tv script.
#2 Cutaway: Actual tv/movie clips. These are becoming more common. Whole sections of other people’s work. Its the same “joke” used in #1, but even less effort.
#3 Ads. Plain as day, in your face ads.No shame. At one point the characters all acted out an exact replica of a Juicyfruit commercial- go figure, always a product still being sold. The advertisers who wrote that scene initially should get a credit. All Family Guy did was animate a duplicate and accept a cheque from Wrigleys. How creative!
#4 References to old family guy jokes. Peter fighting with the giant chicken, wincing over an injured shin, evil monkey, Meg is a loser. When they aren’t “creative” enough to steal the work, they bludgeon us to death with their few, FEW tired favourites.
#5 Long pointless pauses. Just stop the tape once in while for no reason. I think they heard that there is brilliance in comedic timing and misunderstood. A pause is brilliant, if there is some context or substance behind it. I can stop the fucking tape myself and wait 30 seconds if that’s what i find funny.
#6 Original creative writing. Maybe, MAYBE a couple jokes i hadn’t heard before. Most likely i just missed the “reference”.
Who writes a movie someone else already wrote twice?! Its watching Star Wars with Seth MacFarlane while he cracks lame jokes he googled. “What do you call a one legged woman?” Peg or Ilene. I’m stupider for watching; Seth is laughing at us not with us. My cat has more refined tastes for entertainment (string). If i wasn’t eating dinner i certainly would have turned it off. Unfortunately it survived and gets the next possible lowest rating.

Rating (D-)

Total Crap Factory





Avatar (Up in the Air)

31 12 2009

Went to the theatre to see Avatar last night! Seeing this flick in the Imax theatre is really the way to go! Biggest budget in movie history, the special effects are amazing! You’ll also get a cool pair of 3D glasses; I saw movie goers marvelling with these paper toys as I entered the theatre across the hall showing Up in the Air with George Clooney. Seems everyone else had the same idea i had, Avatar was sold out. So Clooney is a consultant hired to fire people in this one, it gets a bit dark and depressing at times. This is one of those movies where everybody is bad but they’re charming so its OK. Arrested Development guy was in it, Davey whatever the funny guy from Tropic Thunder, a chick from Twilight, also J.K. Simmons and Sam Elliot who are both cool (old guys you’d recognize easily). The movie looked really good visually, and the plot worked. . . .I don’t recall the music. It wasn’t a crap romance and it had a little depth. I’m glad i went to see Avatar.

I stole a pair of glasses from some kid on the way out.

Rating: B-